


Does My Pen Only Write Unsatisfying Resolutions?

by KoboldKing



Category: Doki Doki Literature Club! (Visual Novel), ワンパンマン | One-Punch Man
Genre: Breaking the Fourth Wall, Canon-Typical Punching, Crossover, Friggin' Author, Friggin' Monika, Gen, Prompt Fic, The Author Isn't Dead; In Fact He's Quite Talkative
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-02
Updated: 2019-11-02
Packaged: 2021-01-16 18:30:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,241
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21275762
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KoboldKing/pseuds/KoboldKing
Summary: When the world is plagued by horrible spider monsters, it falls to a small team of plucky heroines to save the day.Their names are Ohayou, a powerful and optimistic teleporter. Ghost Blade, a devastatingly effective telekinetic. Parfait Girl, whose strength is matched only by her fury. Grand Epiphany, an S-Class powerhouse who can edit reality itself on the fly. And Saitama, a man who can eliminate any enemy in a single-Wait, what? Just one punch? How is THAT even remotely satisfying?





	Does My Pen Only Write Unsatisfying Resolutions?

**Author's Note:**

> For some much needed context, this fic was prompted by [a fic on r/FanFiction that challenged users to write a crossover one-shot about two of their unrelated fandoms.](https://www.reddit.com/r/FanFiction/comments/doxfrw/i_have_a_challenge_for_you/)
> 
> This was the result.

The stagnant air was broken by the giant spider monster screeching in rage. A painful-sounding _smack _sent Parfait Girl bouncing down the street with a cry, landing on top of a car that she somehow completely totaled on contact with despite her tiny frame.

The monster continued its rampage down the street, smog thick in the air and evacuation sirens blasting in the distance. Webbing clung to the sides of buildings, entire trucks stuck fast to the thread. Grand Epiphany frowned, hands clasped behind her back. This was potentially a lot worse than she thought. Maybe even bad enough to warrant her... _direct _intervention.

"As usual," a low female voice said, "Brute force _wasn't _the answer."

Ghost Blade was usually as meek as heroes could come, but when it came to Parfait Girl a more argumentative side tended to surface. She toyed idly with her purple hair, not quite looking at the other Class A heroine but making her half-mumbled remarks pointed nonetheless.

"Ex_cuse_ me," Parfait Girl snapped. She stood up quickly, brushing broken glass and metal shards off of her costume and standing to her full height. This put her at about equal footing with many twelve year olds. "I'm super strong. That thing's super durable. Seemed like it was worth a _try_ at least.."

"All you did was cause more property damage," Ghost Blade replied, pursing her lips. "Overwhelming power is never the solution. _Precision _is."

"Of course _you'd _want to think that. All you can do is make a few measly knives float!"

Ghost Blade snapped her head up, glaring intensely. "What—telekinesis is far more than just making things float! Need I remind you that one of the most feared S-Class heroes in the world is an esper?"

"You're comparing _yourself _to Terrible Tornado? Pfft-" Parfait Girl tried to burst into mocking laughter, but the bruise caused by being smacked across the city by a giant spider's leg made her cringe instead. Her mirth didn't go anywhere. "All you have in common with her is a bitchy attitude!"

"And all _you _have in common with her is being ogled by pedophiles!"

"_What_ did you just say? I should-"

_POP!_

There was a loud pop of pink energy as the fourth member of their hero team teleported into the middle of the argument. Ohayou kept the same bubbly smile she always plastered over her face in times of crisis, even though Grand Epiphany could tell she was exhausted from teleporting civilians out of the danger zone all day.

"Hey! Girls!" she exclaimed. "You two aren't arguing, are you?"

"Of course not," Ghost Blade and Parfait Girl snapped simultaneously. They met each other's eyes in a murderous glare.

"Great," said Ohayou, sounding relieved. "Because that spider is _not _slowing down no matter what I do. Um... have you tried punching it, P?"

Both Parfait Girl and Ghost Blade angrily opened their mouths, but Ohayou interrupted them with a sigh. She was an expert by now at reading and intercepting their arguments. While technically their team leader Grand Epiphany said nothing, leaving Ohayou to her expertise.

"Ooookay... that's no problem! You tried anything, Ghostie?"

Ghost Blade pressed her lips together in a frown as thin as a straight line, not meeting anyone's eyes. "I... er... the sirens are really loud and I can't concentrate enough to lift enough to really, um... make a difference..."

For a terrifying moment it looked like Parfait Girl was about to say something smug, but the earth-shaking screech of the giant spider cut her off. A rare look of fear crossed her face, and she spoke in an even rarer soft tone to her fellow heroine.

"Are... are you sure? 'Cause if I can't punch through it, and you can't lift enough, and if it's too big for her to just teleport into space..."

Ghost Blade squeezed her eyes shut, trembling slightly. Few sensations cut as deeply as failure.

Slowly, desperately, all eyes turned to Grand Epiphany. She smiled.

"You've all tried so hard," she said, pointing a finger in the air as though lecturing. "You've all done the best you could. I'll take it from here."

She began walking in the direction of the giant spider with a confident stride and a knowing smile. She was the only S-Class heroine in her team, and she was about to demonstrate why. Because even though she had no physics-defying superpowers, genetic mutations or transhumanist augmentations, she had something no one else had. Even though physically she was nothing more than an eighteen year old girl, she was the single most powerful being in this world.

Grand Epiphany knew a secret.

She began to _will _the narrative to obey her. Because that's what this was. A narrative. A story. A string of words put together at the behest of a Reddit thread somewhere in a more _real_ reality than their own.

She wasn't real. Her friends, as dearly as she loved them, weren't real. She was the most powerful being in the universe, but she was nothing.

But...

That meant monsters like this were _less _than nothing.

She commanded the narrative to work against it. She couldn't exercise _total _control of the story—trying to change it _too _dramatically could corrupt and destroy it. More importantly, it would make it uninteresting. That was why she couldn't open the battle with her 'superpower.' If she did, there wouldn't be any conflict. The others had to try and fail first.

The ending had to be _satisfying. _Generally how this worked was that using her power would fill her comrades with a sense of determination they'd lost before, inspiring them to make one final push and take down the enemy under her leadership. A satisfying character arc.

Her power could cause the monster's foreshadowed weaknesses to suddenly be exploited by the argument—not quite as satisfying, but the irony of the environment succeeding where the heroes failed had a certain satisfaction to it. It worked for H. G. Wells, right? There were really an almost infinite number of potential endings, which is why the real world was filled with so many amazing novels. Honestly, Monika—ah, _Grand Epiphany _was always excited to see what sort of conclusion her power would bring about.

Finishing her weaving of might and literature, she snapped her fingers and invoked the names of her gods, Dan Salvato, ONE and KoboldKing.

. . .

Nothing happened.

Grand Epiphany frowned. She'd felt _something _change, but she wasn't certain what was supposed to happen next. The girls behind her were waiting expectantly, not being filled with determination. Nothing had changed about the spider. No new foreshadowing was introduced. What had...

To her horror she noticed the massive arachnid advancing on the silhouette of a civilian who'd suddenly appeared in the middle of the street.

"Um..." Ohayou's voice was shaking. "'Piphany, who's that? I thought I got everybody..."

"You did," Grand Epiphany whispered. Her eyes went wide. This world didn't matter, but she hadn't meant to put someone in harm's way. Was it happening again? Was the world changing against her will? Was the same waking nightmare that had doomed the literature club starting here? What was she supposed to-

It all happened so fast. The figure stepped into the sunlight, and she was close enough to make out the broad strokes of his figure.

He was wearing a dull, mustard yellow jumpsuit with a white cape and red rubber gloves and boots. She couldn't make out his face, but she could make out his head. It was as smooth as polished metal and caught the sun in a strange glint.

Grand Epiphany blinked. She didn't see the punch. She only felt the splatter.

There was a rushing wind like the air just before a typhoon, a sonic boom shaking the whole city block. Bits and pieces of hair, goop and exoskeleton came raining from the sky, pelting down on her and her friends like a grotesque cloudburst.

The air went stagnant, no longer energized with the power that had destroyed the spider. There was a shocked silence from her team members, before all in unison they erupted into cheers.

"You did it! I knew you could!"

"It just freaking _exploded!_ I didn't even know you could do that!"

"Y-You're S-Class for a reason, Epiphany. I'm glad we're with you."

Only Grand Epiphany noticed the bald figure staring down at his smoking, spider-splattered fist before shrugging, picking up a bag of groceries and heading on his way.

"But... how..." She stuttered, trying and failing to wrap her mind around what she had just witnessed. "That doesn't make any narrative... how is _that _satisfying? It only took one punch!"

Her friends kept cheering, the man kept walking, and the author gave her nothing to go by but a self-satisfied, pretentious smile.

* * *

This wasn't the last time this happened, either.

Over the next few weeks more and more spiders showed up across the continent, always tearing across cities leaving destruction and thick webbing in their wake. The good news was that the team was starting to get the hang of dealing with them.

Parfait Girl would use her superior strength to keep them from advancing. Ohayou would use her teleportation to keep them distracted and to keep civilians out of harm's way. Ghost Blade would use anything available—usually sharp things—to telekinetically impale their weak points with.

But sometimes all that wouldn't be enough, and Grand Epiphany would have to use her power. And every single time, all it did was cause that stupid man with his stupid bald head and his stupid costume to appear out of nowhere, apparently having been caught in the middle of his errands, and have him reduce the spider to a fine goopy mist with a single blow.

Grand Epiphany was awarded the praise every single time. Her team loved her, as they always had. Even some of the harder S-Class heroes to crack were starting to show her some respect—she'd even shaken hands with the likes of Atomic Samurai and King.

But _she _knew she'd barely done anything. If anything her entire heroic identity had been reduced to a "Summon Overpowered Bald Man" spell, and she _hated _it. Where was the conflict? Where was the tension? Where was the satisfaction?

Was this how the original show usually went? Why would anyone watch it? _Was _anyone watching it?

And what about this fanfic? She thought it was a superhero story. She _thought _that adding herself and her friends as powerful superheroines would let them fit right in. Was she wrong?

According to Child Emperor they'd nearly tracked the spiders down to their villain of origin. The final battle was thus drawing near; the climax; the final test of her and her team's ability to work together and triumph over evil.

So why was it that the only way she could see this ending was with a bald, bored looking man standing with his fist covered in dead villain?

* * *

"I don't understand," she muttered, still pacing back and forth in her apartment. It was a sparse living space, with nothing but some light furniture, a small bookshelf and a piano in one corner, but it suited her well. It was more than she had where she came from, which was only a classroom.

"I just _don't _understand!"

The rest of the girls had insisted on having a night out to celebrate their latest victory over the lesser spiders, but she hadn't felt up to it. While disappointed they'd been happy to give her some space. As far as they knew she needed time to recharge after using her 'power,' and time to prepare for the upcoming showdown.

But she wasn't making any preparations, and she hadn't done anything today. The _narrative _hadn't done anything.

That man had done it. _Again._

"That's it," she snapped at no one in particular. "What do you mean, 'no one in particular'? You know I'm talking to you! Give me some answers!"

The author didn't respond. Grand Epiphany—oh, who cared, _Monika _groaned.

"Will you _please _talk to me? I know you're not shy about the Fourth Wall!"

After a moment I sighed, relenting. No one could reasonably start reading a DDLC crossover expecting to maintain immersion the whole way through, after all, and I probably couldn't expect more than one or two readers anyway. I sighed and finally addressed my... er, 'ex.'

"Alright," I said. "I'm talking. The Fourth Wall no longer exists. The author is speaking to the characters, like it's the dark ages of fanfiction.net all over again. What do you have to say?"

"It's you who have something to say," she said accusingly, glaring at me even though I was the author and thus had no physical presence in the room. I may break the Fourth Wall sometimes, but I firmly draw the line at self-inserts. "You need to tell me exactly what sort of fiction you've put me into."

"Don't put all the blame on me," I said. "It was other Redditors who decided we needed these two particular fandoms together. And it was in-character for _you_ to decide to take the role of an S-Class team leader instead of a plain old civilian."

"That's because I thought this was a superhero fandom," she replied, puffing her cheeks out in irritation. She kind of looked like Natsuki when she did that. "Like Marvel, or DC, or... I thought it was about superpowered people solving problems with teamwork and internally consistent rules! Not some random bald side character resolving the conflict with one punch!"

"It's called 'One Punch Man,' Monika. Who did you _think _was the original protagonist?"

"Demon Cyborg," she said, not missing a beat. "He's clearly training hard to become as powerful as possible, and he's the newcomer to S-Class. It makes the most sense for him to be the protagonist and for the show to be named after his end goal of becoming someone who can easily defeat monsters."

"Well, he's not. He takes a protagonist role in some episodes, but the show _really _showcases Saitama, a guy who's a hero for fun and can beat anyone in a single punch."

"But I've never even _heard _of him!"

"A recurring theme in the show is that no one knows he's that powerful," I explained. "The Hero Association gave him the name 'Caped Baldy' and don't recognize how ludicrously powerful he really is. Hey, you know King?"

"Of course," she replied instantly. "I studied all the S-Class heroes to get a feel for the setting's theme. He's the strongest man on Earth."

"Nope."

"What do you mean, 'nope'? He's-"

"Due to a series of comical coincidences, almost all of Saitama's victories against monsters were credited to King. He actually has no superpowers or skills at all. Not unless you count video games."

Monika stared in surprise for a moment before slumping onto her couch with a sigh of frustration and exhaustion.

"This setting doesn't make any _sense_. How can any of the monsters pose any threat if the audience knows Saitama can just obliterate them in one punch?"

"Well... most of the time, they just don't," I said, unsure of how to explain further. I mean, I probably could have, but I doubt anyone's looking for a thousand word essay on why I'm in the OPM fandom. This prompt fic has gotten ridiculously self-indulgent enough already. "I guess, all I can really say is that I like things that go against the grain. Like an anime that plays around with superhero tropes... or a psychological horror game that masquerades as a dating sim."

The remark seemed to irritate her. She glared out the window, a mix of emotions going through her mind.

"How am I supposed to live in this setting," she said finally, "Knowing that every single epic battle for the fate of the world is just the setup for a bad recurring joke? At least regular fiction has _some _kind of meaning."

I was rapidly losing interest in writing this scene. I yawned. "How am_ I _supposed to live with having published an entire conversation between myself and a dating sim waifu? Just figure something out, and let's make it something entertaining to write."

"And to read, I assume?"

"Don't kid yourself. I'm not even sure the people who prompted this thing are making it this far."

With that I shut up, leaving her to brood in an ironically _quite _conventionally superhero-y way in front of a window before getting up to get some leftover Halloween candy. I decided I'd write the last scene later. (And I did.)

* * *

A few days later it was the final battle.

Deep underground in a fortress simply _alive _with spiders was the mastermind behind all of this. The four heroines were beaten and battered, but their resolve was as strong as ever as they faced her. They'd made it this far after all, and the other S-Class heroes were still outside trying to their way into the compound.

It was all up to them.

"Alright," Grand Epiphany proclaimed, kicking a door open and striding in. It hurt her foot, but no one had to know that. Except anyone reading, who now knew, which offended her pride and marginally ruined her cool moment. "There's nowhere left to hide, Amelia."

Amelia the Arachnomancer, source of all spiders, slowly swiveled around in her chair while stroking a fluffy white tarantula. She herself was a monster, a half-woman, half-spider abomination. She flashed a wide and nefarious smile while fluttering the lashes of eight eyes.

"Well well well," she crooned. "If it isn't the little students' club who think they're superheroes."

"We _are _superheroes," Ghost Blade said, a note of defiance in her usually timid voice.

"Always have been, always will be!" Ohayou exclaimed.

"And we're not afraid of a freaking weirdo like you," Parfait Girl finished, her arms crossed.

"Cute," the Arachnomancer said with a taunting giggle. "But you have no idea what kind of power a real boss monster can unleash!"

She moved so fast even Grand Epiphany could barely keep up with what was happening. She and her tarantula sprung out of their chair, darting forward with all the obscene, inhuman speed of a jumping spider. Parfait Girl was kicked in the face and Ghost Blade only barely parried what would have been a lethal blow with one of her floating knives. Ohayou let out an alarmed squeal, but managed to teleport out of the way. Monika—dang it, _Grand Epiphany _found herself scrambling to get to safety, ducking behind a webbed control console while trying to keep tabs on the fight.

Telekinetically controlled knives were slashing in all directions, severing webs as quickly as Amelia could spin them. Ohayou was fast enough to keep up with Amelia wherever she leaped and Parfait Girl could take any blow she could land, but as the fight dragged on, it was starting to become clear it wouldn't be enough. They could barely land a hit on her, and when they did it glanced off. With a moment of teamwork Pairfait Girl and Ghost Blade were able to kill the pet tarantula, sharing a rare supportive smile with one another.

"How DARE YOU?" roared an enraged Amelia. "You've pushed me too far! Enhanced All-Encompassing Web Attack!"

Although she wasted time shouting the name of her attack she was still fast enough to blanket the entire room in sticky silk, trapping all of the heroines like flies in a web. To her utmost horror, Grand Epiphany realized she'd have to use her power. There was no other way—the narrative was making quite sure of that. It was goading her into giving _him _a reason to be here.

She wouldn't. She _wouldn't!_ She'd rather just die here, thank you very much!

"I think I'll start with one of the pink-hairs," Amelia laughed hysterically, rubbing her stomach in hunger. "Prepare to die, heroes!"

Grand Epiphany hesitated... and then sighed.

She used her power, and almost immediately a door crashed open with a familiar man in a mustard yellow jumpsuit standing in the doorway.

He frowned.

"This... isn't the train station," he said, scratching his bald scalp. "I must have taken a few wrong turns..."

Amelia the Arachnomancer blinked her eight eyes in surprise, before letting out another evil cackle.

"Another hero comes blundering blindly into my lair," she laughed. "I guess I can make room for one more in my meal!"

"'Another' hero?" Saitama frowned before taking a long look around, somehow only _now _realizing that the room was filled with struggling superheroines and was dominated by a towering anthropomorphic spider monster. "Oh! You're those girls on the news who keep fighting spiders."

"Women," Ghost Blade mumbled through the thick webbing covering her mouth. Saitama didn't seem to notice. Amelia the Arachnomancer looked annoyed.

"I'm tiring of you, hero," she drawled. "I won't allow you to disrupt my meal any longer."

"Well I can't let you eat three superheroes and a twelve year old girl," he countered, still sounding disinterested by the proceedings. Parfait Girl made a shrill and angry noise from out of her webbing gag, and he rubbed the back of his head a little awkwardly. "Uh, sorry. I mean, I won't let you eat four superheroes, especially when one of them's just twelve. Eating people's bad. Eating kids is _really _bad."

Grand Epiphany idly hoped that the burst of rage Parfait Girl was clearly having would be enough to let her break free of her restraints and solve the whole situation by herself, but the narrative was clearly showing their fandom no such justice today. She closed her eyes and her mouth in preparation for the inevitable.

"Oh, but they are _good!_" Amelia the Arachnomancer laughed maniacally. "IN FACT, YOU ALL LOOK GOOD ENOUGH TO EA-"

Somewhere in the time between blinks Saitama threw a punch, and Amelia the Arachnomancer became a thin layer of paste covering every wall and every person who wasn't Saitama. Grand Epiphany cracked her eyes open when the dripping sound finally ended, getting her first close look at him in the aftermath of one of his punches.

She'd never been close enough to get a good look at his face before. Something surprised her about it. He looked bored, true, but... not in the way she'd assumed. She'd assumed he had the cocky boredom of the typical Mary Sue, exaggerated and there to prove what a badass he was.

Instead she saw him staring down at his smoldering fist with eyes that almost seemed... tired. There was no arrogant smile twitching at his flat mouth. There was no glancing around the room to see who had witnessed his amazing feat of strength. He was just going through the motions, and the motions had long since lost all meaning for him.

In the weirdest way, she thought she could see herself in that egg-shaped face. And not just reflected in his bizarrely smooth scalp.

The other girls seemed to be in varying states of shock over the feat they had just witnessed. Ghost Blade and Parfait Girl just kept mouthing something inaudible over and over again, while Ohayou voiced a quiet, stunned "Whoa." Saitama didn't seem to care. He just walked to each of them in turn, casually tearing the webs binding them and letting them free. Even in this he moved monotonously, no emotion bleeding into his expression.

He did seem to notice Epiphany's face, frowning slightly.

"Are you checking out my head?" he asked suspiciously upon removing her gag. She shook her head slowly.

"No." She paused, unsure how to continue. Sometimes even talking to her dearest friends felt strange, knowing they weren't real. But something made her think she could talk to this man. "Does... it always only take one punch?"

"Pretty much," he said with an indifferent shrug. "One or two guys were a little tougher, but..."

"Not enough to matter," she said with a weak smile. "It must be pretty unsatisfying."

His eyes widened slightly, as though what she'd said was a hundred times more surprising than finding a giant spider lady trying to eat a school club's worth of superheroines. "Well... yeah," he said finally. "It's never really worth the build-up."

"Feels like it doesn't even matter."

"I dunno. Sometimes, I guess."

"Like we're all just punchlines and the universe is a repetitive joke."

"Um. I wouldn't go _that _far," Saitama replied, rubbing his head. "I get to eat free at this takoyaki place in City B, so that's pretty good. I think they give discounts to other heroes, too, so you might like it. Let's see... so when you get to the City B train station you'll want to take a right and head downtown. It's kind of hidden away, but when you reach the thrift shop you'll want to keep going down-"

Monika laughed quietly, tuning out the rest of his mundane chit-chat as the story started to close.

Weirdly, she was starting to get the meaning of all this. Or at least, what the meaning was to _him._

She wondered if the users from r/FanFiction who'd prompted this in the first place had gotten this far, and if so, if they were any more satisfied with this outcome than she and Saitama were.

It didn't really matter. Not much in life did.

Least of all resolutions.


End file.
